1 day to 50.
I started this journey 38 or 39 days ago (depending on how liberal you’re willing to be with mathematical calculations). I have successfully done a set of Kundalini Yoga and Mediation every morning (granted, some morning sets were longer than others) and I have written a post in this blog every single day.
A friend of mine kindly pointed out today that as of tomorrow I am no longer 40-something. I will be suddenly in the middle of the night become 50-something. Right on cue, my AARP card came in the mail today.
On my 30th birthday I was living in Maui. I set an intention for myself that I would “settle down” and get a “real job” by the time I turned 30. As life happens, the winter before my 30th birthday two friends from college showed up in Hawaii out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to start a clothing company with them in San Francisco. I knew I wanted to be a designer and this opportunity just fell in my lap. I accepted.
The problem was that I moved to Hawaii for a man. The relationship wasn’t perfect, but I knew he wasn’t the right one for me. He had no intention of leaving Hawaii so I broke up with him, moved into someone’s spare room and made arrangements to totally turn my life upside down.
On my actual birthday the (now) ex-boyfriend took me out for a really nice dinner at a restaurant overlooking the ocean. He held my hand and said he hoped I would find what I was looking for and come back to him. I felt desperate and alone and terrified of the big scary move I was about to make. But I knew I had to do it because my clock was ticking. After all, 30 was not young.
Now I’m almost 50 and when I think back on the 20 years between that day and tomorrow I am astounded at how different my life is. My demeanor changed from terrified and unstable to confident and calm. No matter how many obstacles I’ve faced in the last 20 years they were all worth it to approach this state of peace. I don’t see peace all the time, I get glimpses now and then, but I now know that it is there.
The last 40 days in particular have shown me that 50 isn’t young but it certainly isn’t OLD. I’ve learned not to focus on the things I think I’m missing, but to focus on the gifts I have been given. I have so much to be grateful for in my life. Today, I am most grateful to have the opportunity to celebrate this birthday with family and friends who see and acknowledge my truth.